Saffron & Bruno and the Holiday...part one!

Saffron looked out of her bedroom window and smiled.  Summer was here and the garden was in full bloom.  Flowerbeds ran alongside the path a buzz with yellows and reds and purples and pinks and oranges.  The water in the pond glistened and the ducks were all in need of sunglasses.  The sky was blue and the clouds near non-existent; those that were there were candyfloss fluffy and being gently puffed along by the lightest of breezes.

Saffron turned to her bed and carried on packing her suitcase.  It was holiday time and she was very excited.  Sat next to the suitcase was Bruno, and he was patiently listening to all the wonderful things Saffron had planned to do whilst on holiday.  As she spoke Saffron heard the daily walking through walls practice start, so she grabbed Bruno and went up to see the Sixteen Stephens and Andrew.

The ghosts were dutifully practising when she walked in through the attic door.  Not one of them had mastered the art as yet and the bumps and “Ows!” were constant.  Poor Stephen Number Eight’s nose was so sore he had tied a bandage around it.  Stephen Number Eleven’s nose was redder than a tomato.  Andrew was stood in the middle of the attic offering encouragement.  He turned when he heard the door open, “Hello, Saffron.”

“Hello, Andrew. Hello, Sixteen Stephens,” Saffron called.  The Sixteen Stephens “hello’d” back, well they gave a range of greetings from “hello” to “heddow”…depending on how sore their noses were.

“I just thought I’d come up to tell you Bruno and me are going on holiday,” beamed Saffron.

“Holiday?”  Andrew said, “That’s nice.  Where are you going?”

“Oh, we’re going on a round the world trip,” Saffron replied.  A few of the Stephens had stopped bumping their noses to listen.  “We’re going to Egypt and Italy and China and America.  We’re going to see the pyramids and the Leaning Tower of Pisa and the Great Wall of China and the Grand Canyon.”

“Wow!”  Said Andrew, “That sounds exciting.”  Saffron noticed with some surprise that each of the Stephens was suddenly wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a sun hat and each of them carried a suitcase and Stephen Number Nine was holding a bucket and spade; Stephen Number Four even had a rubber ring and armbands on; and Stephen Number Seven was applying suntan lotion.

“You do look funny,” said Saffron, “Why are you all dressed like that?”

“We’re coming with you,” said Stephen Number One, “We’ve always wanted to go on a holiday and this one sounds out of this world!”  And he led the Stephens out of the attic, all in a conga line, singing their holiday song.  It was quite a repetitive holiday song.  It went: “Holi-holi-holiday!  Holi-holi-holiday!” and on each “day!” out thrust the hips to the left and to the right.  Saffron joined on the end and conga’d out to the car ready for the holiday to commence.

*

Saffron, Bruno and The Sixteen Stephens and Andrew were stood outside the Great Pyramid at Giza and were all staring at a sign.  There was quite a lot of head scratching going on and every now and again someone would trace under the writing with their finger trying to work out exactly what it said.

“It’s in hieroglyphics,” said Saffron, “That’s the way Ancient Egyptians used to write.”

“Step out of the way,” said Stephen Number Ten, “I know all about Highryglyfics, all about them!”  He pushed his way to the front of the group and paused at the indecipherable writing.  “Hmmm….” He pondered, “Ah, yes,” he announced and cleared his throat, “What this says is, ‘bird, squiggle, owl, squiggle, two lines, a feather, squiggle, squiggle, a man running, squiggle, owl, bird’.  Simple.”  He nodded his head.

“Yes,” said Stephen Number Three, all exasperated, “but what does it say?”

“I’ve told you,” Said Stephen Number Ten, “it says, bird, squiggle, owl, squiggle, two lines, a feather, squiggle, squiggle, a man running, squiggle, owl, bird’.  Easy.”

“What it actually says,” interrupted Stephen Number Fifteen, his nose in a guide book, “is that “This is the tomb of Toot-And-Come-In!  Beware all who enter here!”

“Toot-And-Come-In?”  Stephen Number Ten was incredulous.

‘S’what it says.”

‘Toot-And-Come-In?”

“Look right here,” said Stephen Number Fifteen pointing at the page, “Toot-And-Come-In.”

“Don’t be ridiclious,” said Stephen Number Ten, “I can’t see any car horns in these pictures, just lots of birds and squiggles and running men and owls and squiggles and that.”

A terrific argument ensued.  Stephen Number Ten insisted his reading was right.  Stephen Number Fifteen kept pointing at his book and disagreeing.  All the other Stephens joined in too.  They enjoyed a good bicker.  Andrew, Saffron and Bruno watched and rolled their eyes.

“Will you all be quiet!?” Yelled a voice from up above them, “I’m trying to get some sleep here!”

They all looked up.  A bandaged head was sticking out of a gap in the blocks of the pyramid and looking down at them.

“Four and a half thousand years I’ve been asleep and along you lot come spoiling the peace with all your shouting and hollering!”

“What’ve you done to you head?”  Asked Stephen Number Eleven.

“…Shouting and screaming and howling and bawling and….eh?  What do you mean, ‘what have I done to my head?’  Nothing!”

“It’s all bandaged up.  Have you given it a good bang?”

“I have not given it a good bang.  I am a mummy.”

The Sixteen Stephens took in what had just been said.

There was a pause.

Quite a long pause.

 “You don’t look like a mummy.”  Said Stephen Number Two.  “You look like you’re accident prone, more like.”  There was much nodding and murmuring of agreement.

“Ooooooooh!”  Said the Mummy and ducked back inside the pyramid.

“He looked like he’d bumped his head.”

“And his arm.”

“And his chest and shoulders.”

“Terribly accident prone, he must always be falling over or walking into things.”

“He should turn on a light.”

*

“I am so excited,” said Stephen Number Ten, “I’ve never seen a leaning tower of pizza before!” And he began to sing, “Pizza, pizza, pizza!”  It was, as you know, much like the Sixteen Stephens’ holiday song…except about pizza.

“It’s not the ‘Leaning Tower of Pizza’!” said Saffron, giggling, “It’s the Leaning Tower of Pisa!”

“The Leaning Tower of Peas-err?”  That sounds unlikely,” replied Stephen Number Ten, “I doubt you could make a tower out of peas.”  Saffron rolled her eyes and waited for them to see.  Stephen Number Ten carried on singing the pizza song, just in case.

The Sixteen Stephens and Andrew all stood in front of the leaning tower and tilted their heads to one side.  Next to them Saffron, holding Bruno by the hand, was itching to get to the top of the tower.

“It’s broken.”  Said Stephen Number Seven.

“No wonder it’s collapsing if it’s made out of peas.”  Said Stephen Number Four.

“Do you think that’s where it got its name?”  Queried Stephen Number Eleven “The Leaning Tower of Peas-err-we-shouldn’t-have-used-vegetables-to-build-a-tower!”

“You mean,” asked Stephen Number Ten, “And then they shortened it?”

“Yeah, from ‘peas-err-we-shouldn’t-have-used-vegetables-to-build-a-tower’ to just ‘peas-err’.”  Saffron giggled.  They were the silliest of ghosts.

Saffron stood at the top of the tower and waved down to the Sixteen Stephens and Andrew.  They were all stood at the bottom looking up and waving back.  The view from the tower was spectacular and even if you had an extra special bar of smile-wipe, you would not have been able wipe the smile off Saffron’s face.  She took pictures and hugged Bruno.

The Sixteen Stephens and Andrew stopped their waving and then there was a pause.  Quite a long pause.  It was the sort of pause that once it got going you really knew it was going to be a pause that ended up with something quite silly being suggested at the end of it.  Andrew closed his eyes and waited for one of the Stephens to start the silliness.

“You know what?”  Andrew didn’t have to wait long.

“You know what?”  Repeated Stephen Number Twelve, “I reckon this tower would get loads more visitors if it was a proper tower that stood up properly.”

“I think you’re right, you know,” nodded Stephen Number Fourteen, “I reckon if this tower was a proper tower that stood up properly loads more people would come and see it.”

“I think,” said Stephen Number Ten quite studiously, “I think that if we were to fix this tower, I reckon we’d be on for some sort of award.”
“Yeah!”

“Like a medal.”

“Or a certificate.”

“Or a helicopter!”

“Eh?”

“Or a badger!”

“Yeah, what?”

“Right,” said Stephen Number Ten, rubbing his hands together and taking charge of the situation, “What we need is a plan to fix this tower and I think I know exactly just what to do.”  Fifteen pairs of eyes stared at him expectedly, and one pair of eyes remained shut.

“Yes?” Stephen Number Two asked expectantly and a hush descended on the group.

“I think we need to pour a setting liquid into the foundations of the tower, correcting the lean and making it stand up straight again!”

“A brilliant plan!”  Cheered Stephen Number Sixteen.  Even Andrew opened his eyes and looked at Stephen Number Ten in wonder.

“Yes,” continued Stephen Number Ten, “ And we all know the best setting liquid in the world?”  The Stephens looked at each other and wondered.  There was a silence.  They thought.  They grasped about inside their minds for an answer.  Eventually one of their number raised a hand to speak but before he could open his mouth Stephen Number Ten went on, “That’s right: custard.”

“Custard?”

“Sets as hard as rock and is terrible to shift.”  Stephen Number Ten looked smug.  Andrew closed his eyes again.

‘BRILLIANT!” Chorused the Stephens and off they set to work.

Saffron came down from the tower to see the Sixteen Stephens in high-visibility vests and hard-hats, getting to work with a raft of diggers and cranes and tankers.  Stephen Number Sixteen was guiding Stephen Number Twelve as he reversed a gigantic tanker full of custard toward the base of the tower.  The truck moved slowly and Stephen Number Sixteen went “Beep! Beep!” because all trucks going backwards should go beep beep.

Saffron’s eyes widened and her mouth dropped open.  Stephen Number Ten picked up the hosepipe at the back of the tanker and turned the valve.  Custard flowed from the hose and into the basement of the tower.  Stephens Eight, One and Fifteen repeated the action on either side of the tower.  Custard was going everywhere.

“More power!”  Shouted Stephen Number Ten.  On his hose, Stephen Number Eight turned his valve and the custard flowed fast.  On his hose, Stephen Number Fifteen turned his valve and the custard flowed faster.  On his hose, Stephen Number One turned his valve and the custard flowed fastest!  Stephen Number Ten looked at what was happening and frowned.  This was his idea.  There was no way the others were going to have faster custard than him!  “Maximum power!”  He shouted and turned the valve all the way open.  Rivers of custard flowed out of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.  People were slipping and sliding.  People were being carried away on a torrent of thick yellow dessert.  Stephen Number One fought his hose for as long as he could; suddenly, he lost control and a jet of custard hit Stephen Number Ten straight in the face.  That was it.

“FOOD FIGHT!”  Shouted Stephen Number Ten and fired his hose at all the other Stephens, managing to catch tourist after tourist as he turned and spun around.  Saffron and Bruno ducked behind a corner and laughed.  All the other Stephens joined in.  Custard went everywhere.  There was fountain of the stuff coming out of the top of the tower.  Saffron fell on her back and laughed and laughed.  Stephen Number Ten was desperately trying to hit everything that moved, and Stephen Number Eight ran around trying to catch as much custard in his mouth as he could.

The curator of the Leaning Tower of Pisa came around the corner and stood, staring at the custardy mess with a look of shock on his face.  Andrew sighed.  He clicked his fingers and the mess was gone.  The Sixteen Stephens were stood, spick and span, and the tower was its pristine self once again.

“Oh,” Said Stephen Number Ten spotting a street sign, “It’s because the town is called Pisa.”

Saffron giggled.

She could not wait for the second week of her holiday.

Toot-And-Come-In's Mummy gets a wake up call!

The best setting liquid in all the world: CUSTARD!