Saffron & Bruno and the visit to the Zoo

The Sixteen Stephens were entirely concentrating on not looking like they were with Stephen Number Ten...and not getting eaten.

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and for once it was the Sixteen Stephens and Andrew who were listening to noises coming from Saffron’s bedroom down below them.  Each of the ghosts had their ears pressed to the attic floor and each was trying to discern what on earth was going on down there.  Every now and again, one of the ghosts would wince and a flash of concern would appear on their faces.  It seemed as if some sort of horrendous mob of creatures had been let loose in the house and had all congregated in Saffron’s bedroom.

“What do you think that was?”  Asked Stephen Number Seven, a knuckle in his mouth with worry.

“It sounded like a small bear flying an especially noisy aeroplane!”  Exclaimed Stephen Number Sixteen.

“And, what do you think that was?”  Asked Stephen Number Seven, with two knuckles in his mouth with worry.

“That’s definitely a cross gorilla discovering all his favourite bananas have gone missing whilst having just stubbed his toe!”  Squeaked Stephen Number Thirteen.

“Aammmfff, wummmf fffmmm yummff fiimmmf ffaaammmff wummff?”  Asked Stephen Number Seven with an entire fist of knuckles in his mouth with worry!

“Pardon?”  Asked Stephen Number Eleven.

“I said,” said Stephen Number Seven, this time without knuckles for worrying, “And, what do you think that was?”

“Oh,” said Stephen Number Eleven, “Well, that was a hungry hippo, a hungry lion and a hungry bison all discovering the pizza company have only brought one pizza and it happens to be entirely covered with anchovies!”

“Urrrrghh!” went Stephen Number Seven, “Poor animals!”

“Did someone mention pizza?”  Asked an interested Stephen Number Eight.  A few heads rose from the floor of the attic and a mildly hopeful though ultimately unenthusiastic rendition of “Pizza, pizza, pizza!” was started by a few of the Sixteen Stephens.

“If you want to take an anchovy flavoured pizza of a hippo, a lion and a bison, you be my guest,’ huffed Stephen Number Eleven.  There was a thoughtful pause.

“Did it sound like an especially large hungry hippo?”  Asked Stephen Number Eight, weighing up the situation.

“I wonder if Saffron and Bruno are safe?”  Asked Stephen Number One.

“We should go down and check,” said Stephen Number Seven.  And each of the Sixteen Stephens looked at each other and waited for the other to say, “Yes, come on, let’s go and check!”  Images of hungry hippos and irate gorillas flooded their minds; Stephen Number Sixteen ducked out of the way of an imaginary bear in a noisy aeroplane.  They all turned and looked at Andrew.  Andrew smiled.  He floated down through the attic floor and went to see Saffron and Bruno in her bedroom.

Saffron and Bruno were marching around her room.  Saffron held one arm in front of her face and waved it about like it was an elephant’s trunk.  She trumpeted like an elephant and waddled around the room.  She may have even begun singing a song about elephants marching along and keeping up, two and three and four.  Saffron saw Andrew and she trumpeted him a “hello”.  Andrew trumpeted back.  They giggled and Saffron threw herself and Bruno down on to the bed.

“I’m so excited, Andrew,” she said, “we’re off to the zoo, today.  I can’t wait to see all the animals!”

“Ah,” Andrew suddenly understood, “so that’s what all the noise is about!”  Saffron nodded her head.  “The Sixteen Stephens think there’s a horde of creatures down here threatening your safety…well, their safety, if we’re to be honest…but, they were worried about you.”  Saffron laughed.

“It was me!”  She said, “I was playing at being all the animals we’re going to see.  Would you like to come too?”

“Let’s go and ask the Sixteen Stephens,” said Andrew, who was pretty confident he knew what the answer would be.  He was about to be a little shocked.

“The zoo?”  Asked Stephen Number Four.

“I don’t need to go, thank you,” said Stephen Number Three.

“Zoo, not loo,” said Andrew.

“My mistake,” said Stephen Number Three.

“And, what is a zoo, exactly?”  Asked Stephen Number Twelve.

“Well,” said Saffron, who had never really had to think of a way to define a zoo before, “it’s um, it’s a place where you can go and see lots of animals that you don’t usually see around the village.”

“Like cows and pigs?”  Asked Stephen Number Thirteen.

“No, silly,” said Saffron, “I mean, animals from other countries or climates, like lions and tigers.”
“And leopards?”

“Yes!”

“And rhinoceroses?”

“Yes, sometimes,” said Saffron, relieved they were beginning to get the picture.

“And crocodiles?”

“Yes, on occasion.”

“Snakes?”
“In the reptile house, yes!”

“Well, that all sounds very dangerous.  I think we’ll sit this one out, won’t we Stephens?”  The Sixteen Stephens nodded and sat down.

“You see,” said Stephen Number Ten, “I don’t think a custard pie is much of a deterrent to a hungry tiger.  If anything, it might provoke it further if it thinks it’s going to get dessert as well.”  Saffron laughed.

“You are all ever so funny,” she said, “The animals are in cages and enclosures, they can’t get to you.”
“What if one of them escapes?”

“That’s right,” said Stephen Number Twelve, “I’ve heard that hyenas are particularly cunning and are probably at this minute working out how to scale the walls and dig tunnels.  Oh, no.  This is far too dangerous a place for us Stephens.  We’ll stay here, thank you.”

“That’s a pity,” said Saffron with a wink to Andrew, “There’s a lovely café at the zoo and they serve delicious ice-cream sundaes.”  There was a hint of a pause.

“And you say, they’re in cages and enclosures?”  Said Stephen Number Eight.  Saffron nodded.  The door to the attic wasn’t big enough for all the Sixteen Stephens at once.  There was an almighty pushing and shoving; and a Stephen Number Eight declaring he should be the first to the zoo as he was happiest to put his self at risk to ensure the safety of the remainder of the Stephens.  This was met with raspberries and calls of “shame” from the other Stephens, and a smattering of “get offs” and “mind my fingers”.  Saffron, Bruno and Andrew watched them and laughed.

*

The Sixteen Stephens hid themselves behind Andrew as they slowly made their way into the zoo.  Saffron held Bruno’s hand and walked about with her eyes wide with wonder.  She was trying to decide where to go to first.  Should she visit the penguins?  Should she go to the zebras and camels?  Should she go to the gibbons?  She knew she wanted to visit the orang-utans and the chimpanzees, but should she visit them first or keep them for a little bit later on.  Saffron’s mother and father waited for her to take the lead.  Andrew could feel the Sixteen Stephens peeping out from behind him.  He heard a whispered comment from Stephen Number Twelve about all being safe for the moment and a murmured question from Stephen Number Eight on the whereabouts of the nearest ice-cream sundae.  Stephen Number Ten had two custard pies at the ready and a bandolier of chocolate éclairs slung over his shoulders.  He had tied a bandana around his head that looked like a banana, because he got confused between the spellings of the two, and had painted two camouflage stripes beneath each of his eyes.  The rest of the Stephens were caught between trying not to be seen stood next to such a ridiculous looking creature and still hiding behind Andrew and still being on the lookout for the cunning hyenas!

Saffron pressed her nose up against the viewing panels of the lions and watched them prowl around and roar.  She held out a branch for a giraffe to eat and patted the side of its neck.  She pointed out the various lizards, toads and newts to Bruno when they were in the reptile house.  She rushed to see the elephants as they swished water over themselves and helped the zookeepers brush themselves clean.  She laughed as the penguins dived into the water to catch the fish they were being fed.  She oohed and aahed at how cute the otters were as they followed each other around and clambered all over one another on the sides of their pool.  She pointed and shrieked at animal after animal after animal, from inside the nocturnal house to see the kiwi, to spotting the red panda up in the highest tree.

Andrew was having a bit of a time of it trying to keep track of all that the Sixteen Stephens were up to.  Stephen Number Seven was easy: he’d found the hyenas, pulled out a pair of binoculars and was studying them carefully to make sure they were not up to anything.  Stephen Numbers Nine and Four were standing by the camels, offering them cups of tea and saying, ”One hump or two,” and falling about laughing.  Stephen Number One had found the elephants and was enquiring how they managed to pack their trunks before going on holiday, and Stephen Number Six was watching the penguins to see which one of them might dance.  Stephen Number Fifteen and Stephen Number Five had managed to get into the enclosure with the leopards and were showing them a range of fashion materials, including beautiful striped patterns, in an attempt to see whether they would change their spots.  Andrew was exhausted.  He decided the best idea was to suggest the Sixteen Stephens join him at the café for an ice-cream sundae.  The Sixteen Stephens thought this a most marvellous idea.  Well, most of them did.

It was an exhausted and elated Saffron, with Bruno tucked in beside her, with her mother and father - also exhausted and elated at the fun their daughter was having - who sat in the café and ordered an ice-cream sundae and glass of water.  There was something wrong.  It took Saffron a moment to work out what it was but then she realised that the café was very, very quiet.  She looked around her and saw the Sixteen Stephens and Andrew in an orderly queue at the café counter.  Saffron was puzzled.  This was not how she expected the Sixteen Stephens to react to the proximity of an ice-cream sundae.  In all honesty, she had pretty much forgotten the Sixteen Stephens were there at all.  They had kept themselves to themselves and she had been so caught up with all the animals’ goings-on she hadn’t paid them much attention.  Now she did.  Instinct told her to do a quick head count.  There were only thirteen of the Sixteen Stephens in the café.  She was about to call across to Andrew when she saw the other three.

Emboldened by the sight of the biggest bunch of bananas you have ever seen in your life, Stephen Number Eight and Stephen Number Ten were in the orang-utan enclosure and creeping ever closer to the biggest of the four apes and their multitude of bananas.  One of the zookeepers must have been feeding the orang-utans and then been distracted.  Stephen Number Eleven was keeping an eye on the gate to the enclosure, to make sure no one came and locked them in.  Saffron was about to call out a warning but then something made her stop.  She decided to wait and watch.

The two ghosts inched closer to the bananery-prize.

“Are you sure Stephen has got the gate open?”

“Yes,” said Stephen Number Ten.
“And, are you sure you’ve got me covered with those custard pies of yours?”

“Yes,” said Stepehen Number Ten again.

“Right,” said Stephen Number Eight, “I’m going in.”  He crept forward as quietly as a ghost and reached out his hand for the bunch of bananas.  At his back, Stephen Number Eight could feel the tension in Stephen Number Ten.  He hoped his ghostly counterpart did not have an itchy custard finger.  Stephen Number Eight’s gaze flicked between the stack of bananas and the recumbent orang-utan laying closest to the yellow delights.  He was an immense creature.  He looked like a orange, hairy bag of metal with a sunny smile and a disposition to cause quite a lot of ruckusness if his bananas were not around when he woke up.  Stephen Number Eight knew this had to be done carefully and methodically.  His hands moved in micro-movements, getting ever closer to the bottom of the bunch where the bananas all came together.  Stephen Number Eight held his breath.  This was odd, as Stephen Number Eight, being a ghost, doesn’t, of course, breathe; but he held his breath anyway.  It added to the tension.  The tip of his finger touched the first banana.  He paused.  The orang-utan remained motionless.  He took hold of the first banana and pulled it, ever so gently, toward him.  The orange ball of fur did not stir.  Stephen Number Ten felt the hairs he imaged to be on the back of his neck stand on end.  A bead of sweat trickled down his forehead and dropped to the floor.  The silence was oppressive.  Even Stephen Number Eleven, over by the door was feeling jumpy.  There was nothing but Stephen Number Eight, his hand and the bunch of bananas.  Stephen Number Eight pulled the bunch toward him.  An orange arm shot out and stopped the bananas moving.  An eye in an orange head opened and a movement of the mouth revealed a full set of gloriously yellow and white and grey teeth.

“Oh, look,” said Stephen Number Ten, “He’s smiling.  Perhaps he wants to share his bananas with us after all!”  Belying all the evidence to date, Stephen Number Eight displayed an astounding understanding of the nature of apes and other simians and realised with impressive speed that the baring of teeth by an orang-utan whose bananas you were just trying to make off with was not a broad grin of generosity.

“Fire!”  He shouted.

“Where?  I’ll get my hose!”

“No,” Stephen Number Eight yelled with urgency in his voice, “Throw your pies!  Throw your pies at the orang-utan!  Now!”  Stephen Number Ten did not take telling twice.  Both custard pies were unleashed and flew through the air toward the ever grumpy ape.  With dexterity and skill, the orang-utan caught both of the pies, one in each hand, and revealed his yellow, white and grey teeth again.  This time, it was as smile.

“Run!”  Yelled Stephen Number Eight.  Stephen Number Ten managed to get off a couple of chocolate éclairs before turning on what would have been his heals, if he had feet, and scarpering!

"Throw your pies!  Throw your pies at the orang-utan! Now!"

Stephen Number Eight was hit first.  The pie landed squarely on the back of his head and made an excellent squelching sound and liberally sprayed custard all over the place.  The second pie caught Stephen Number Ten on the side of the face as he made the mistake of looking over his shoulder to see where the orang-utan was.  His hands shot out in front of him and he flailed around, custard in his eyes.  Stephen Number Eight was torn between trying to get as much of the custard pie that had hit him into his mouth and taking cover.  The third pie hit Stephen Number Eleven and took him by surprise.

“Where’d he get another pie from?  You only threw two!”  The orang-utan grinned.  The ghosts yelled once again and ran.  Chaos ensued.  The orang-utan wasted no time in deftly unlocking all the monkey and ape enclosures.  The ghosts formed a corral behind ice-cream trolleys and the stand off commenced.  It was one of the shortest stand-offs in history.  No sooner had the sentence with the words “the stand off commenced” in it been typed, then the stand off ended.  It ended with the use of two words.  It ended with the two words “food” and “fight” and it ended when Stephen Number Ten, as is his wont, shouted them.  Saffron took cover just insider the door of the café.

“FOOD FIGHT!”

The orang-utan grinned again and began to fling pies at a rate of knots!  The Sixteen Stephens returned pies.  A lion’s roar was cut off mid-roar when a pie landed straight in his mouth.  His eyes went wide and his tastebuds went tingle!  Stephen Number Nine was floundering around, pies continuously hitting him from right and left.  Three spider monkeys were caught by one of Stephen Number Ten’s expertly flung flans!  Two gorillas were loosing bananas like torpedos; one was slipping a banana on the ground and the other was stamping on the banana, firing it at the Sixteen Stephens.  Stephen Number Fourteen had a banana in each eye, one in each ear, one in his mouth and one in either nostril.  He looked like a comedy Viking helmet.  And as the custard was thrown, so was the jelly and cream and cake and tomatoes and watermelon and buns and Stephen Number Ten was working his way through his bandolier of éclairs.  The head zookeeper couldn’t quite work out what to do.  He pulled his hat off his head and grabbed at his ears.  He closed his eyes and hoped it would all go away.  It didn’t.  Soon there wasn’t a centimetre of the zoo not covered in delicious yellow goo.  The orang-utan was swimming in a puddle of custard and blowing spouts of sweetness into the air like a dessert-loving whale.  He looked at Saffron and winked a custardy wink.  Saffron blinked in surprise.  She laughed.

Andrew looked about him and smiled.  He gave a click of his fingers and the custard disappeared.  The monkeys and the apes were all back in their enclosures.  The Sixteen Stephens were sat in the café and tucking into their ice-cream sundaes (Stephen Number Eight’s was especially ice-creamy and sundae-y!  He was very full up).  Saffron stood opposite the orang-utan enclosure and watched the orang-utans eating their own sundaes.  Their smiles were as large as those of the ghosts.  Saffron gave the biggest orang-utan a wave.  He waved back.

*

“So,” said Saffron, back in the attic with the gang of ghosts after their trip home.  “Did you enjoy your day out?”

“I did,” said Stephen Number Five.

“My favourite bit was when none of the creatures ate us,” said Stephen Number Fifteen.

“Yes,” said Stephen Number Seven, “And I quite liked how the hyenas decided not to be sneaky or devious and escape from their enclosure.”  Andrew smiled a funny smile.

“That’s right,” Stephen Number Six joined in, “And none of the crocodiles got us either!”

“Well,” said Stephen Number Twelve, “ I think I quite like zoos.”  There was a lot of nodding and Stephen Number Ten twirled a custard pie in agreement.

“I definitely enjoyed the zoo, too,” said Stephen Number Eight, “Zoos serve the best ice-cream ever.”

Saffron giggled and gave Bruno a cwtch.

Saffron waved, and the orang-utans enjoyed their sundaes and waved back!